It started with my leaving groceries at the supermarket… after I’d already paid for them.

That happened twice.

I chalked it up to absent-mindedness and being too distracted by the podcasts or audiobooks I was constantly listening to whenever I was out and about walking by myself.

These were initial signs of stress that I missed. After all, at my age, forgetfulness was not unusual.

But then my once-a-week junk food treats became daily binges of ice cream and potato chips. I also started sleeping poorly, waking up more than 3 times a night to pee and then tossing and turning for the next hour or two.

It didn’t help that I was still convinced that ‘staying-at-home’ on weekends was still the preferred way of living. Singapore’s ‘circuit breaker’ was over, people were allowed to dine out, shop, go to the cinema again with all the social distancing protocols in place. Yet here I was still generally living like a hermit, convinced that all these were ‘unnecessary’ activities. I still had groceries delivered and since very few of my friends seemed to be interested in going out, I just assumed they were also just trying to be safe and didn’t want to endanger them by inviting them to hang out like how I used to pre-pandemic.

Then things started getting intense at work. Due to a number of factors both within and beyond our control, the main project which I had been largely focused on for the last four months exploded. Clients were unhappy. Hard deadlines were put in place. Issues were escalated to senior management on both sides. I asked my direct supe, “Do they want me out? Do they want me to take a back seat?”

“No, no… just keep doing what you’re doing.”

So I did. Which to me meant working harder, longer hours in order to get on top of this.

So I stopped having ‘Ting time’ — the daily 1-hour block from 12 to 1pm that I had marked as my lunch break to cook and clean the kitchen. I started taking meetings or catching up on the 70+ messages that were waiting for me in the multiple chat groups I had set up in Whatsapp or Teams for various aspects of this account. I would grab a bowl of instant noodles from the cupboard and eat at my desk while replying to entire message threads.

Working over lunch at my desk was usual for me pre-Covid. But things became more pressured in the remote working setup when so many people are relying on your chat responses to move the work forward.

Then I started logging in earlier and earlier at work. And working later and later into the night. And on weekends. I went from clocking in 10-12 hours a day to 12-14 hours for two straight weeks.

Though I rarely ventured out, I did know how to keep myself entertained and occupied. I cleaned and organised cabinets, closets and cupboards, finding these activities so therapeutic. I also received visitors at home which were great for keeping social ties and emotional health. I even started getting into K-dramas as a way to mentally switch off.

I gave that all up in favour of doing ‘extra work’ on the weekends as part of my belief that putting in the extra hours would address everything my clients were complaining about. The weekend before my meltdown, I spent a few hours on both Saturday and Sunday working on an Excel sheet with detailed video costings my client had asked for. By Monday, they had changed their minds about the whole deliverable. Yup, work wasted.

Things just got worse from there. As if the pressure from my clients weren’t enough, people on my team started falling sick, my junior PM was having her own meltdown… and my work laptop crashed.

It was raining. And it. Was. Pouring.

The first serious signs that I was not in a good way happened the following Tuesday. I heard my voice shaking as I chaired our daily media catchup call. On Wednesday, my whole body was cold and shaking as I sat in on client calls and it was taking me longer and longer to write even the shortest of emails as I found myself reading and reviewing them over and over, trying to be extremely careful with what I put out there. My self-confidence was eroding in a big way. I was second guessing everything. No matter what I did, I felt like things were spiralling out of my control. It didn’t help that I felt I was letting my team down by not being there for them (because I wasn’t… I had stopped coming to Daily Standup) or being whatever they needed me to be—whether that was coach, mentor, cheerleader, ‘boss’ or project manager. I was definitely failing as a leader.

By Thursday, after an-hour long meeting with the clients that they had asked for at the last minute and in which they once again turned into an opportunity to complain rather than collaborate (after telling us just the day before that their upper management had loved the little digital banners we did), I finally broke down in front of my boss (virtually, of course). My voice cracked, the tears rolled and the first thing I burst out was, “I feel like this is all my fault!”

It wasn’t, of course. And Andrea was quick to remind me of that. He also suggested I take a break. End the day early, take a walk, get some sleep. He said I should clear my head and decide on what I wanted to be responsible for moving forward to help me normalise. He clearly recognised before I did that I was, and had been, too close to this whole thing from the start. And had finally cracked under the pressure.

I tried to do as he asked. And although Friday wasn’t perfect, it was slightly better, also because I forced myself to finish the McDonald’s double cheeseburger I’d ordered after not having any appetite all week. I felt more energised and capable of dealing with the rest of the day. Thankfully, it was Friday and the emails started slowing down by mid-afternoon, allowing some measure of peace.

I also started sending out an SOS to my closest friends. I lined up meetups with Christiane, Alan and Wahu and an appointment with Wendy, my nail therapist. During the week, Simon somehow sensed my distress (something he had an uncanny way of doing) and sent me a message that simply said, “You ok”. When I confessed that I was falling apart, he miraculously gave up his Saturday usually spent running and working to come and spend the day with me, taking me out for a late brunch (after rolling around in bed for a while) in Robertson Walk and hearing me out as I rambled on about all the drama that was happening in my professional life. I was keen to hear his advice as he was a master workaholic and provided some interesting perspective from his own long history of being chronically stressed. I decided to keep quiet about the fact that the last time I felt this stressed and helpless was during our initial break up as a couple in 2008. Ironic how I was now turning to him at such a vulnerable time, and a testament to how we had now progressed our relationship to a stage where neither of us felt intimidated and fearful anymore of opening up emotionally to one another again. But I digress…

My cousins, Kat and Via, also suddenly reached out and invited me to dinner and we ended up having a nice time eating Middle Eastern cuisine on Arab Street. That night, I slept better for the first time all week. I went on an early morning walk in the Botanical Gardens with Christiane and Alan, who could both relate more sympathetically to what I was going through. I leaned on their stories of overcoming work difficulties and eagerly absorbed their advice on how to cope. By the middle of brunch Alan noted that I was already laughing at the story of my meltdown.

After my mani-pedi appointment, an impromptu massage session and a trip to the grocery store, I was finally feeling like my normal self again and ready to go home. The various talks I’d had with my friends throughout the entire weekend, including chats on Viber with the ‘Supreme Court’ foursome of Tina, Ampee and Gale had given me the perspective I needed. I was finally clear-headed enough to come to some realisations and make some decisions.

1. I need to start getting my personal routines back on track. Lunch breaks. Cooking and meal preps. My morning reading time. And hard stops by 7pm. Drawing these boundaries was important and I had been doing them so well for so long that I took for granted how critical they were to my wellbeing.
2. I have to stop pressuring myself to be all things to all people. I forgot the old adage, “You can’t please everyone.” First of all, it’s impossible. And secondly, even if I did manage to do that, it wouldn’t matter. I will never be thanked nor get recognition. And my clients won’t care because they’re just not that kind of people.
3. I should continue the things that are working or have started to work. Regular online workouts on Zoom. Dressing up for Daily Standup. And celebrating every win, no matter how small.  They provided jolts of energy that kept us going until the next deliverable was signed off.

These are all just tiny steps to start. They won’t solve everything right away but they’re crucial in order for me to clear my head and decide what to focus on and what to let go of. And there are many things I need to let go of.

Most of all, I have to remember that everything is a learning experience. And the fact that I’m already grateful for this unexpected burnout happening shows that I am ready to learn and grow from it. And if there’s one thing I have proven over and over again about myself is that I’m quite good at turning adversity into opportunities for growth. I was reminded that work-life balance is real and something I should never take for granted again. I had become too overconfident in my self-reliance and independence thinking I could survive with the most minimal of social activities. And I’ve identified the difference between exciting stress and existential stress… and how I ended up in the latter state.

I’ve even restored my confidence in the Universe. And how we can and do attract what we need seeing as how I managed to rally the people closest to me and who care about me the most to come to my rescue. I got exactly everything I needed this weekend to relax, recharge and reflect. So I know that this whole episode has a purpose too.

This professional storm isn’t quite over. But my personal sun has started to break through. 🙂